Reasons Why

A Little Augustine for Your Wednesday Evening

2012-02-01T21:03:00.004-05:00

What crooked paths I trod! What dangers threatened my soul when it rashly hoped that by abandoning you it would find something better! Whichever way it turned, on front or back or sides, it lay on a bed that was hard, for in you alone the soul can rest. You are there to free us from the misery of error which leads us astray, to set us on your own path and to comfort us by saying, 'Run on, for I shall hold you up. I shall lead you and carry you on to the end.'

-from Confessions, Book VI, 16

The Valley of Vision

2012-01-19T16:00:00.001-05:00

My heart is breaking this afternoon for so many reasons, for so many people. However, I'd be lying if I told you that I was not the first person for whom I am tempted to weep. One year ago today we brought home a very sick little man from the hospital. Although it was the end of his sickness, it was just the beginning of mine. On January 19, 2011, I had no idea yet how black it would get, how deep depression would go. I cringe, my heart in knots, just to think about it now. And although I did not yet realize how deep was the valley that I had begun to descend, I also knew very little of the mercy of my God. Because, you see, last year I found myself in the pit falling in love with my Savior. Praise God that he has delivered me from so great a peril and he will deliver me still! I learned (am still learning?) by paradox that the broken heart is the healed heart.

"Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley."

-from "The Valley of Vision

What a difference a year can make!

'Tis Christ My Earthen Vessel Fills

2012-01-19T15:40:00.004-05:00

With treasures rich...

I know I'm a little late in the game but, Happy 2012. Here's to a year of God's continued provision though we don't know where we're going.

2011-12-22T15:22:00.006-05:00

Because my previous post left much to be desired, here is some recent adorableness to clean your palate so to speak.

Muh enjoying a bite of his sister's Christmas tree cake.

My little elf girl in front of "her" tree.

On Stinkhorns

2011-12-22T15:06:00.001-05:00

There is a lot of good stuff being written on blogs about Christmas right now. So, in lieu of adding my completely inadequate two cents to the holiday mix, I'm going to write to you today about a war I'm currently waging in my yard.

For starters, it's almost 80 degrees outside today. Today, December 22nd. It's also humid and perfect weather for plants. Many of them are confused. Our poor little azaleas are already blooming. It's also perfect weather for fungus or every kind.

About a month ago I started smelling what I thought was a dead animal somewhere in the woods around our yard. The next day, Els brought me a handful of some salmon-colored something as I was unloading the car. Two and two were put together when I realized that she smelled awful. It was that stuff in her hand that smelled like dead animal! But, what was it? Upon closer examination I discovered that our flower beds were riddled with what looked like mushroom-sized salmon aliens growing out of the ground. They were the culprit. Not only did they smell of carrion, they were covered in flies. What the heck?

Stinkhorns. My nemesis. I do not exaggerate when I say that for the next few days I was so nauseated by these abominations that I could barely eat. I wanted to puke every time I walked outside and I could not even look at them. A quick internet search revealed that I was not alone in my plight. Although some people inexplicably revere them, others, like me, battle with them, and the only solution is to dig them up, tie them up in plastic bags and throw them away. Eggs and all.

Oh yes, I said eggs. B and I have decided that stinkhorns have included everything evil and disgusting in their make-up. They are definitely a result of the fall. They begin innocently enough as little white eggs just under the surface. Then they burst forth into all of their salmon octopus/alien, green slime-oozing glory. Did I mention that they smell like death? They smell like death so that they can attract flies to spread their spores. I have a friend who says that hell must be covered with stinkhorns and no-see-ums.

So, every day, I walk our flower beds and dig these things up along with any eggs I find. What can I say, I lead such a glamorous life.

Why do I write this? Two reasons: 1-To add my voice to the stinkhorn haters out there. 2-If there is someone who reads this who has done battle with these things and won, please, please tell me what you did.

That will be a great Christmas present for me.

Born is the King

2011-12-02T15:33:00.001-05:00

If you haven't heard this song yet, you should. It's had me dancing around the house, in the car, etc. for the last couple of days.

All Things New

2011-12-01T21:38:00.000-05:00

Els: Mama, what comes afta winta?
Me: Spring.
Els: Oh, but we're not on that page right now.
Me: Right, what page are we on?
Els: Fall. (pause)
Els: Mama, what comes afta night and day?
Me: Well, babe, they just keep going around and around. Night and day and night and day.
Els: No, it goes night then day then summa, then fall, then winta, then Nana's house!

Yesterday I had a killer headache. They thankfully only happen every once in a while but, oh, when they do I am down for the count. All day long I could feel it building. When I take the usual painkillers during the day and nothing happens, I know I'm in for trouble. B put me to bed shortly after the kids were down for the night because there was nothing else for me to do but try and sleep it off. I had taken the daily limit of medicine to no avail, and so I knew the Lord Himself would have to heal me. In the merciful darkness, I prayed and then finally slept. At one a.m., I awoke, covered in sweat but without pain. Whenever this happens, I always feel new. It's hard to explain but basically, when you feel like someone is driving a spike into your head, when that stops, there's no way to feel but new.

I was thinking about this the other day while dusting. How providential of God to use a chore I despise to bring me truth. So, there I was, dusting B's night stand when I noticed an etching. "I love J@$&*#." A little background for this. Other than our beautiful, handcrafted bed, our bedroom suit is the same one that I had in high school. The same one my parent's had when they got married. The same one that my great-grandfather made. So, long story short, I permanently carved "I love so-and-so high school boyfriend" in a night stand that is now my husband's. God redeems all things. He knows what is best for us. Always.

And again, I was reading through my journals from college recently when I came across an entry from July 10, 2002 where I was begging God for a husband. And I was being specific. I had met a guy that summer at a camp where we both worked and I just knew that he was the one for me. Except he had a girlfriend. So, in this entry, I was pouring my heart out to the Lord, begging him with all that I was to somehow make this man fall in love with me. I was heartsick. (I actually remember this night now.) Anyway, in God's divine mercy and love, on July 10, 2004, I married B and not the guy from camp. (I'm actually not sure that I've ever seen him again.)

He makes all things new. He redeems all things. ALL things. Even the heartached etchings and ramblings of a silly, silly girl. Therefore I have hope.

"And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'"
-Revelation 21:5a

My Boy is 1

2011-11-28T16:06:00.001-05:00

A year ago today we brought a seven pound buddy home from the hospital. Two days ago we celebrated his first birthday. I can't believe it. Where does time go anyway? First off, he had a BLAST turning one because it meant food. And if there's one thing Miller loves besides his mama, it's food. We celebrated with all of his favorites - pickles, grapes, and PB & Js. He also had two cupcakes and I think he may still be on a sugar high because he has barely napped since then. (Where oh where did those two to three hour long 10-month-old Miller naps go?) Miller (and his sister) loved getting all kinds of new dump trucks, cars, and balls to play with. We finally have some proper little boy toys in our house. All in all, it was a wonderful day of celebrating our little man!

He loves balloons too!

Thrilled birthday boy!

2011-11-14T16:21:00.001-05:00

I keep sitting down at the computer and writing semi-posts and I write them all the time in my head. The problem is, when I say "I keep sitting down at the computer" I mean "I sit down at the computer, oh, maybe once a week." So, nothing much happens from me on these here interwebs. Fortunately, there is much happening here OFF the computer screen. Days are shorter, but thanks to good-ole' "fall back" nights are also shorter here too. Still. Also, thanks to the four teeth Miller has gotten in the last week alone his naps are not predictable and rarely long enough when they happen. He's currently crying it out because I know homeboy is tired. (Oh the necessary evils of babyhood!)

As for the good news, after this week, we will only be buying diapers for Miller to wear at night. He wears cloth diapers during the day and Els is out of them. Also, no more formula! Hallelujah! I don't think that Miller is wild about cow's milk yet, but he's usually slower about adjustments than Els was. Often, these are the things that fill my days. Diaper changes, trips to the potty, naps, attempts at naps, snacks, attempts at meals, etc.

Though it may sound monotonous, our days are filled to the brim with excitement and wonder. That's the joy of having one child on each border of toddlerhood.

So much else to tell, but we may just sack this nap attempt today and get outside.

My Little Pumpkins

2011-10-13T11:45:00.001-04:00

Hi There

2011-10-12T15:39:00.000-04:00

My name is Kels and I'm turning into quite the delinquent blogger these days. We went on a big tour of the South if you will over the past week and a half and neither my house nor my brain has recovered. So, here I am, not putting away laundry and blogging. There's a lot going on in and around our life these days and I am left to ponder and pray (while constantly picking up toys so we don't break our necks) and generally wonder. Instead of trudging you along through all of the gory little details, here are a few snippets from Magee-dom.

This is the view of our back yard between about 7 and 7:15 am. It's breathtaking and I've been seeing it a lot more lately since I'm *trying* to get up before my kiddos.

Els' first haircut. She was a champ!

Muh had chocolate cake. Before his first birthday. Oh, second children. Needless to say, he loved it.

We have been finding Els asleep in various places and positions lately. This is one is my favorite.

While in Georgia we got together with one of my college roommates and her children. Els wanted to hold "her baby" like her friend.

This face. We see it a lot and it's usually accompanied by growling. This kid is ALL boy.

Also not pictured by order of the management: B has been doing P90X, diet plan and all and he is looking good folks. (Not that he didn't ever, but what girl doesn't love a few more muscles?) He forbid me to put up pictoral evidence, though.

And, we got to see a whole lot of family over the past week in Mississippi and Georgia but I'm pretty much terrible at taking pictures, so we don't have many. It was a great trip and we're thankful that B got the time off to go with us!

B is for Birthday

2011-09-20T15:25:00.000-04:00

Our favorite man about the house hit a big milestone this past week. I won't tell you which it was, but it wasn't the 2-0 or the 4-0, if you get my drift. We had a cook out for him on Saturday which, through absolutely no planning of mine, had a theme. Not only did we grill brats and burgers, B brewed his first batch of all-grain pumpkin ale. It was all topped off with a giant pan of baklava from the local Greek restaurant. In short, we celebrated B's birthday with brews, brats, burgers, and baklava. We had a little chuckle about it. If only this were Sesame Street.

Happy belated Birthday Babe! (Ahh, I can't stop myself!)

Yes, we're in a cemetery. It's a national one that overlooks San Diego.

Here's the birthday boy with his favorite girl.

This buddy loves his Daddy!

That Tuesday

2011-09-10T21:05:00.002-04:00

All day, my mind has constantly wandered back to that infamous day.

It was a Tuesday, a beautiful Tuesday morning at Wingate University. My best friend/roommate and I didn't have class until 10:30 am, so we had both slept in a bit and spent the morning talking and leisurely getting ready for the day. Usually, we listened to the radio, but I had just gotten Caedmon's Call's "In the Company of Angels" CD, so we rocked out to it. I clearly remember that I was wearing my favorite blue capris and a white t-shirt. My hair was still short-ish from a spur of the moment cut a few months earlier. The day was starting as perfect as possible.

At about 10:15, we finally descended the stairs outside to venture to class. A friend of ours walked up to us wide-eyed and said, "Someone just flew a plane into the Pentagon." Now, this guy was a generally goofy person and tended to say things for shock value, so my first impression was 'yeah right.' But there was something about the seriousness in his face and desperation in his voice that made my stomach drop. What? I walked a little faster to my statistics class and found out that the world had changed. I'm sure my reaction was similar to yours. Shock, disbelief, utter astonishment, fear.

Classes were canceled for the rest of the day, but for some reason, cross country practice wasn't. Although, running hard up and down the hills of a nearby farm with some of my closest friends was comforting that day. It was normal. We had known it before. The only other thing any of us had done all day was stare dumbfounded at televisions which played the crashes and crashes and crashes on a loop.

What was going to happen next? That was the biggest question on my mind. Fortunately, I had already planned a trip home the following weekend. There was a lot of construction on 85 South in those days. I remember crying as I passed crane after crane draped with American flags. When I returned to school on Sunday night, my roommates and I made a big flag out of construction paper and hung it in our front window. We cried, we hugged, we prayed.

We hoped.

"We've no abiding city here:

Sad truth! Were this to be our home!
But let this thought our spirits cheer;
We seek a city yet to come."

-Lord's Day Hymn-We've No Abiding City Here by Thomas Kelly

Happy Birthday, Meme!

2011-09-09T14:44:00.002-04:00

It's our dear Meme's 74th birthday today, and to celebrate, Els colored her a picture. I attempted to take a picture of she and Muh holding it, but, as you might imagine, getting a 2 year old and a 9 month old to sit still, look at the camera, smile, and hold a sign, was a tall order. Here are the out-takes:

We love you, Meme!!!

Cuteness

2011-09-05T18:40:00.002-04:00

Oh Miller-man, how I love you!

Isn't it Love?

2011-08-29T15:57:00.000-04:00

B and I were afforded the opportunity to spend an entire 6 days in San Diego earlier this month. It was amazing. Not only were we kid-free, we were on the West Coast, and were able to spend a lot of time with some dear old friends. One night we had dinner with some sweet friends from TBS who are now stationed out there. Having been married for a little over a year, they decided to ask us "old marrieds" for advice. This sounds awful, but nothing came to my mind immediately. The past year has just been such a roller coaster for me in all aspects of life and I've spent a good bit of it feeling like a complete failure at everything, I felt like the last person anyone should ask advice from. But then it hit me and I told them that the most important thing I think I've learned about marriage in the past seven years is that love is a choice. The ooey-gooey, touchy-feely, lovey-doveys fade fast and you must wake up everyday to the same person and remember that you made a choice to love them and choose to love them again that day.

Love is found in the day to day. The making of meals and beds, the cleaning up of kitchens, bathrooms, tables, etc, etc. I am finding that this is true of parenting as well. I've been pretty open about my struggles during the first bit of Miller's life and I find that the longer I simply take care of him, the more and more I love him. With every diaper change, every bottle shake, every time I rock him, every chorus of "Sweet Afton" that I sing, my heart is drawn closer to this little man who I at one time thought had made me crazy. Even now, as I listen to him "cry it out" for naptime, I love that him. (The same is true for Els too, I am just using Miller as the illustration.)

We are called as mothers to lay our lives down for our families everyday. And then get up the next morning and do it again on whatever sleep we were allotted.

D.C. Talk had it right. Love is a verb.

If You Feel Like a Failure At Something

2011-08-23T21:01:00.000-04:00

First of all, just don't. And here's why. About a month ago we made the switch to cloth diapers. I know, I know, it's a little late in the game, but it's honestly something I've thought about doing since before Els was born. Fast forward two and a half years and I'm finally doing it. Nobody ever accused me of early-adopting. On with the story.

I've done pretty well with the whole "dumping the poop in the toilet" thing. Once you're a parent for any length of time, poop just doesn't gross you out as much. I find I deal with so much of it on (sometimes) an hourly basis, it just doesn't phase me. So, I change Miller's diaper this morning and put him down on the floor while I dump said diaper's contents out and flush. I turn around and Miller is wiping something around on the floor. Also used to this. He spits up a lot and plays in it before I can get to him sometimes. As Jeff Foxworthy once said, "Moms'll clean up things that would gag the Roto-rooter man."

You can see where this is headed. Oh yes he did. He was playing in poop. His own. What's more is he had it on his face and, get ready for it, in his mouth.

Long story short, if you're feeling like a failure at something today, consider my tale. At least your kid didn't eat his own poop today.

Unless of course he did. In which case, laugh. That's all you can do.

You Just Do

2011-08-03T15:45:00.000-04:00

Sometime during Els' first year of life, B and I started looking at one another after she went to bed and saying, "Man, I love that girl!" We just couldn't help it, we were both just spilling over with love for the little bundle of life and energy that she remains this day. So, it was only natural that I wondered while I was pregnant with Miller how I could ever love him as much as her. When you ask someone with more than one child about it, they say, "You just do." Great. How does that help?

I am finding that it's a question that only experience can answer. I just do love Miller-man more every single hour. He's hitting that really fun, active stage and his personality continues to emerge. I've made no pretenses about how hard the first six-ish months of his life were. Now, I wouldn't take back a single second of it. That little man has stolen my heart for good. The bitter of life makes the good all the more sweet and I praise God for this good time.

All that to say, as much as you love your first baby, you love subsequent children the same. They are all blessings in and of themselves.

Rumor Has It

2011-07-20T13:06:00.000-04:00

We may have been listening to a lot of Adele here lately. And we have a cat named Rumor.

The Why

2011-07-14T21:48:00.000-04:00

I've been doing much much thinking over the past month or so since my head kind of began to come out of the fog about why this happened to me anyway. One of the hardest things about admitting that I was depressed is that I have always considered myself a happy person. But, like I mentioned before, a defining factor of my experience with depression is that I didn't feel anything like myself. Sometimes I felt like I was watching myself go through the motions of life from the outside. I kept thinking, "this can't be me."

Anyway, moving on to what I think may be a big part of the "why" of my situation. Miller hates nursing. I know it's weird, but he has since he was born. I had such a good experience with this with Els, I was so excited to do it again with Miller. So, when he was about three weeks old and started screaming bloody murder every time I fed him, it literally broke me. In pieces. But I kept on with the madness, mostly because of my stubbornness (which I'm not saying is a good thing), for five more months. B and my Mom begged me to wean him, but I bull-headedly would not give up. It was crazy and stupid and now it's over. Miller never liked nursing anymore than in the beginning and I nearly drove everyone close to me crazy.

Words I NEVER thought I'd say are, "I feel so incredibly free now because I feed my baby formula." But I do. Bottom line, how I feed Miller for his first year of life is one of the first and smallest of many, MANY decisions I will make for and about him. The most important thing is that we're happy now. We don't all cringe and I don't get pits in my stomach every time Miller's hungry. Chances are, he'll never know or care whether he was nursed or bottle-fed. We could not be closer if that child was an extension of my arm. He is a Mama's boy if there ever was one.

And, good Lord, if that child was any cuter, I don't know what we'd do with ourselves.

2011-07-02T11:40:00.000-04:00

I'm still trying to figure out how to follow up my last post. Thanks for listening and {hopefully} not judging. It is the desire of my heart that my story helps others as it comes out little by little. Thank you all so much for your comments and emails, I am going to personally respond to them all in time. Part of how I've dealt with life over the last months has been not responding to much, but now I want to. I need to. So I will.

Things are settling back to normal around these parts after lots of time away in June. Miller taking morning naps in his bed at 7 months finally and time with friends here all feels like grace upon grace. We have lots of plans for our little family in the coming months, so we'll see how the Lord directs our steps. Crawling, pottying on the big girl potty, building a patio, and always beer brewing, etc, etc....

Happy Fourth!

Coming Clean

2011-06-27T16:53:00.000-04:00

There's a reason why I haven't posted as frequently over the past seven months or so. Well, actually, there are a lot of reasons, but they are mostly to do with a certain little man who is currently taking my heart by storm. But the real reason, the one I was talking about at first, it makes my heart beat a little faster to think about actually writing it for you to read. Admitting it. To the public. So here goes.

Postpartum depression. Yep. It's real and it's ugly and I've been suffering from it since about January I think. And, yes, now it's June, which is five months later, but it's taken me this long to admit it. I had to get to the bottom of the pit before I wanted out. The beginning of this year was such a black hole for me, I felt like I was literally drowning all the time and for no reason at all. When Miller had RSV and was in the hospital and decided that he hated nursing for some reason, something inside me just broke. I cried, I panicked, and I did not sleep a whole lot. For months. Every day felt like a drudgery and I spent my time treading water, gasping for air. The person in the mirror looking back at me was a complete stranger. Last month, I finally had had enough. I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't care a lick about the stigmas I had attached to depression. I wanted out. And here I am. Living, breathing, laughing, actually reveling in the life that God has given me.

Why do I write about this? Sympathy? No. Judgement? H*@! no! I want you to know that if you ever feel like this, have felt like this, ever do feel like this in the future, YOU'RE NOT ALONE. Lots of people deal with this every day. Depression shouts at you that you're alone and awful and will never escape. But you can. I ~~did~~ am. Everyday is a struggle to choose joy and life, but it's so worth it.

Please let me know if you want to hear more about this. There's lots I could share, but I had to start somewhere.

Dad

2011-06-18T11:46:00.000-04:00

When he was only 21 years old, my dad became my dad. I'd like to think that, like all new parents, he was terrified, but I'm sure he didn't show it if he was. If I know my dad, he jumped into parenting with abandon, head first, and gave it all he had. Twenty nine years later, the same is true. In all honesty, I don't really have the words to adequately laud my dad. I love exercise because he does, I love reading because he does, I love learning because he does, but, most of all, I love the Lord because he does. (And as an aside, I cannot think about my dad without thinking of you too Mama. So, just for you and everyone reading this, know that she is included in everything I say about him.) For years my parents have gotten up early early to pray and I can't think of anything better they could have done/could do.

Thank you for giving everything you do 110%, Dad. Thank you for pointing us to Christ at every turn. I know you're not perfect, but I couldn't dream of a better earthly father. I want to be like the Jesus I see in you.

{The picture is of my and my dad and Miller-man on the day he came home from the hospital.}

Milestones

2011-06-05T16:44:00.000-04:00

My kiddos are hitting milestones left and right these days, thus the total lack of blogging lately. Most of my "free" time is spent trying to get one or both of them to nap. That said, I thought I'd jot down a snippet of what's going on around here.

Els continues to say everything that we do and everything else that she can think of. The child could (and sometimes does) literally talk to a wall. The coolest thing she's started doing lately is singing. To my utter joy and delight, she knows most of the little songs that I have sung to her her whole life and she sings them back to me now. A personal favorite is "Tinkle Tinkle Wittle Ta-wa." Also, the girlfriend is all but potty trained. She still wears a diaper at naptime and bedtime, but sometimes even those stay dry.

Miller-man has hit the six month old point where he just does something new every day it seems like. In the last two weeks he has gotten his first tooth, started sitting up on his own, and is eating baby food twice a day. I am positive that he will rejoice the day he no longer has to nurse or take a bottle. He wants our food now and only humors me by drinking most of his nutrition. We joke that we are going to have steak for his first birthday. He is still the smiliest Mama's boy that's ever been. .

Well, that's it for now. I hear a rousing chorus of "Mama, Mama, Mama" coming from Els' room. She's still in a crib. Not ready for that milestone yet!

In The Night

2011-05-19T21:35:00.000-04:00

A friend recently called my attention to this song and, holy moly, if this period of my life could have a theme song, this is it. It's from Andrew Peterson's album "Counting Stars". Just go get the whole darn thing, it's so good. Please give it a listen and let the words sink in.

Questions

2011-05-17T14:50:00.000-04:00

What possessed a diseased looking, tail-less lizard to come into our house this afternoon?

Why did it choose the leg of my new white jeans as its hiding place?

When will it come out?

How do these things seem to happen all the time?

2011-05-13T14:54:00.000-04:00

What to blog? What to blog? It's been so long and we've had so much going on lately. I lay in bed most nights thinking of things to write and then I never end up sitting down at the computer. Oh well. Different seasons for different things, huh?

The kiddos and I have been in Georgia with my family this week because B has been in yet another big trial. We've had a great week, but like all weeks, it's flown by. (And, as an aside, B kicked major boo-tay in his trial this week. If you'll allow me a sentence in which to brag, my husband is pretty amazing at what he does.)

Poor sweet Miller-man is doing many new things these days like playing with his toes, almost sitting by himself, and rolling every which way. Sadly, sleeping through the night is still not a skill he possesses. It's hard to believe that he's almost been with us on the outside for 6 months now.

Eliana is still bursting at the seams with just about everything. She's been using the big girl potty all week long and doing great, but I'm still too chicken to have her not wear a diaper to bed or in public. She is also in the business of inventing verbs these days. My favorite so far happened the other night at a gas station. My dad was pumping gas into my car when she looked over and said, "Who dat gassin'? Is dat Pop gassin'?" Needless to say, we were rolling.

That's about it for now. I hope that you all have a fabulouso weekend!

Trial Week

2011-04-22T16:32:00.001-04:00

There is no preparation for these weeks and every time I'm blindsided. It's been a "trial" week in several senses of the word. Quite literally, B is in trial. Which means he's not home for dinner. Or bathtime. Or bedtime. And when he gets here it's only to grab a bite to eat and maybe chat for a few minutes before settling back in to work for long after I go to bed. Those things in and of themselves are a trial for our little family. There's no one else going through this. No support groups. No informational meetings welcoming us to a life of loneliness. Just kind friends on the phone (and a couple in person) who listen to this overwhelmed Mama babble on about whatever. It's sad when you reach a state where you feel like you are actually friends with your children's pediatrician because she's the only adult you've had a face to face conversation with for two days. And to top it all off, it's Easter weekend and he has duty and we have zero plans. (Hello entire box of peeps that I did not mean to eat...)

But I don't want to mope. This is the day that the Lord has made, and darn-it, I will (at least try to) rejoice and be glad in it. My kids are a joy. Els is sunshine wherever she goes and Miller's face could light up the sky when he sees me. Plus, they've been napping at the same time for at least an hour every afternoon for the last couple of days. I sure won't argue with that. So, I will continue to hide Els' eggs in the living room because of the rain ("I'm pickin' eggs, Mama!) and we will continue to be very creative with leftovers and whatever food we happen to have in the fridge.

The veil was torn in two from top to bottom, so I am never really alone.

But they don't call them trials for nothing!

Baby "Muh's" First Trip to the Beach

2011-04-08T22:55:00.000-04:00

All cozy in the arms of his Nana. I'm not sure if this child could be any cuter.

Blessings

2011-04-08T22:49:00.000-04:00

I would be remiss if I did not share this song. I don't really know what to say except this is exactly how I feel and have felt for a while. Close your eyes and listen to the words. Be blessed.

2011-03-30T21:58:00.000-04:00

"Lord You are my hope 'cause you've created in me a heart that lives the victory that You've already won."
-Watermark (emphasis mine)

All Kinds of Revolutions

2011-03-29T14:33:00.000-04:00

These days, I live in a bit of a bubble. A mommy-o-sphere, if you will. My days are spent in the company of Dora, Wonder Pets, Seeds, and two adorable children, while the world, it seems, keeps raging on. I have never joined, nor plan to join Twitter, and though I'm pretty avid texter now, I only began less than three years ago in order to communicate with my sister. The books I read tend to be older, and I'm still listening to a lot of the same music that I was in 2006. I sent an email to my very hip, fashion forward best friend from college last week telling her how happy I am that styles have come back around to wide leg pants and bright colors, both things I have still in my closet from 2005-2006 (AKA the pre-pregnancy, pre-nursing, pre-gaining and losing lots of weight up and down years).

So, it's pretty safe to say that a lot of things happen culturally that I am totally unaware of. However, every once in a while, my little bubble gets popped by new things, and it usually pours when it rains. Take the whole Rob Bell situation. I was completely unaware of it until a 2AM feeding Miller while surfing the internet rabbit hole led me to article after article about it. I don't really feel qualified or informed enough to comment at this point. What I do know is A) I really hate that it's causing divisions whether real or imagined in the visible church, and B) I think I need to read the book to make a fair judgement call. If there's one lasting thing that grad school gave me, it's that I cannot take anything at face value. And, since I'm currently trying to tackle Anna Karenina, other books are just going to have to wait. (Well, other than the other book I'm reading. But it's more like a series of blog posts. But I digress. Moving on.)

Also, there's this completely unrelated movement wherein runners are moving to low-profile running shoes. A lot of them are those "five-finger" shoes that have separate sections for all of your toes. My mom encouraged me not to knock them if I haven't tried them, but I'm not sure how I would feel about separate places for all of my toes. They kinda like each other. After talking to a guy at an outdoor store today, though, I want to do more research. Eventually. What I do know is that I LU-UHVE my new running shoes.

Finally, I'm reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. Talk about revolutionary people! This book is changing the way I think and see everything. Everything. It's hard to explain but when one of the dear friends in the Bible Study where we're discussing this book called it revolutionary this morning, I knew exactly what she was talking about. Don't read it if you want to stay the same and wallow in your life. The book is so challenging to me about living my daily life and being thankful in ALL situations.

Other than that, the biggest change I'm making is to all natural deodorant. So far so good, but it's not summer yet, so we'll see.

"I don't know nothin' expect change will come. Year after year what we do is undone." -Patty Griffin

Logorrhea

2011-03-18T16:12:00.000-04:00

Els' vocabulary is exploding these days, meaning that my world is very, very rarely quiet these days. Girlfriend not only loves to talk, she demands an audience. There is very little that she doesn't say now or at least attempt to say. She's also discovered the wonderful world of questions this week. Now everything is, "Where we goin' to, Mama?, "Who you singin' to, Mama?", "What Mama doin'?" She has for several months referred to herself as 'Ana. So I also get a lot of, "What does Ana say?" "Where Ana go?" "What Ana doing?" (To which I reply, "I don't know, what IS Eliana doing?") It's wonderful and challenging, and sometimes quite overstimulating for "Mama." The "why" game has also begun. I thought she was too young for this....

One of my favorite things about her words is the fact that she says several things with a British accent for some reason. "Someping huts, Mama," for something hurts and "not wuking" for not working and the like. She also says moe-wuh for more, drawing out the word like a true Southern girl, but ending up sounding more New-Englandy to me.

She is truly becoming more and more interested in her little brother too, always asking, "Where baby at, Mama?" when he's not around. Or "Why dat baby crying, Mama?" She says "Muh" for Miller and has recently taken to my nick-name for him, calling him "Muh-man" for Miller Man. Also, I caught her singing to her baby doll one of the songs that I sing to her yesterday. Melt. My. Heart.

I love every new thing she does and says. Every stage, although increasingly challenging, gets better and better and more fun with my sweet girl. It's so fun to hear a little about what she does when she goes to church nursery or "school" (aka Mother's Morning Out one day a week). She can tell me what she did and whether or not she had a snack and even what said snack was.

That little Muh-Man is lots of fun too right now. He's getting into that "smiley" stage and he's a smiley man. I am constantly humbled by how much he loves his Mama.

I will leave you with a picture of the two having tummy time together. "Wook Mama, I habing tummy time too!"

From the Weekend

2011-03-08T10:35:00.000-05:00

It's my party and I can look surprised if I want to.

A happy blue monster after his bath.

2 Years

2011-02-27T16:26:00.000-05:00

Today is my darling girl's second birthday. I can hardly believe that it's been two years since our world was graced with her presence, yet I don't really remember life without her. She is a constant source of joy, entertainment, words, and life lessons. Toddlerhood is proving challenging yet shot through with laughs. For instance, her "word of the week" this week is something. "Something in the mouth, Mama. Something in the shoe, Mama. Something hurts, Mama," etc, etc. And yes, EVERY sentence is finished with the word Mama. I love it even though I feel like changing my name sometimes.

Eliana Hope,

You have changed my life for the better every day since February 27, 2009. You challenge me to rely on Christ more than ever and to live what I believe. Thank you for being so delightful, even on bad days. I love reading to you, playing with you, talking to you, and "snu-ing" with you when you want to. I look forward to all the ups and downs of life with you because life is simply more with you in it. You are my sunshine.

I love you forever,

Mama

I'm Pretty Sure I've Posted This Before, But

2011-02-15T22:23:00.000-05:00

This is the part of a song that I sing in my head more often than not right now:

"Well, this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
From the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilt on my shirt
Cause you knew how you'd save me before I fell dead in the garden
And you know this day long before you made me out of dirt

And you know the plans that you have for me
And you can't plan the ends and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep."

-Table for Two by Caedmon's Call

The Kids are Both Asleep, Dare I Blog?

2011-02-10T16:50:00.000-05:00

I feel like every time I sit down to write, it's been so long and there's so much to say that I don't know where to begin. So, in lieu of something deep this time, I thought I'd do a favorite things post. So here goes.

First off, Trader Joe's. There is not one near us, but there is one about 5 minutes away from my parents' house and in the two visits we've had since it's opened, I've been probably 10 times. Seriously. Where do I begin? The triple ginger snaps, the Go-Omega trail mix, the olive tapenade. Not to mention the coffee, shampoo, and frozen Asian bowls. And everything is so reasonably priced! If you're ever near one, go. If you live near one, lucky you.

In keeping with the food theme, I have discovered a love for almond milk and coconut milk ice cream. My little Miller is a complicated soul and it seems that he can't tolerate much dairy in Mommy's diet. And Mommy pretty much hates soy milk and related products. Fortunately for both of us, non-dairy has come a long way. If only there was a good cheese substitute...

I absolutely have to give another shout to the Baby Bjorn. I have no idea what I would do without. And I just thought I used it a lot with Els.

Have I ever mentioned our collective family love for our white noise makers? B and I started using one long before we had kids, so it was only natural that they have them in their rooms as well. I tell people it's like turning off the lights for your ears. Els likes hers, but she always wants to turn it off first thing when she wakes up and she tries to do it with her toe because that's how I do it (because I'm usually carrying her) which is hilarious. We really should think about owning stock in this company.

That's all for now. I hear my precious first born calling.

Oh, and did I mention coffee? I LOVE coffee. It's always favorite.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2011-01-23T22:59:00.001-05:00

How do I even begin to tell you about the past week of life for us? I have to begin by being real honest and saying that for the first six weeks of Miller's life, he was quite the fusser. Finally, we got him on Zantac over the course of a week, he began to show us a little of the laid back fella that I'm beginning to think he is. Then. Oh, then. Then he got RSV. He was diagnosed last Friday with a mild case. The doctor sent us home with instructions to raise the head of his bed, run a humidifier, and call if he got worse. No problem. Until last Sunday night when he started running a pretty high fever and struggling to breathe. I have never been so terrified in my life. It was a numbing terror, watching our precious 7-week old held down for chest x-rays and an IV insertion. Not to mention just being in the Beaufort Memorial ER at midnight on a Sunday. That place is crazy.

God's hand was on us every second, though, and we only spent the next 48 hours at the hospital. We were admitted to a room and Miller had a lot of breathing treatments and fluids before finally being released on Tuesday night. Although relieved to be home at that point, I felt like we were back at the beginning in some respects with him. He was only between 7 and 8 weeks old and any small strides I had made with him as far as scheduling goes were tossed out the window. And now he's on a nursing semi-strike. I can't really talk about that yet because I have no idea where this is headed.

Through it all, I have been thinking a lot about the Pharisees in the Bible and how Jesus was not the savior they were looking for. He was born in a barn, hung out with low-lifes, said some crazy things, and died a horrific death at 33. They were looking for someone to overturn Rome and sit on the throne like King David did. They wanted life restored to how they thought it should have been. Right then. I've been thinking about this because I keep thinking, "This is not how I wanted to be saved." This is not how I wanted to learn God's grace and provision for me. This is not how I wanted to learn to trust him. Most days I feel like I am more qualified to do any other job on the planet than to parent my two precious babies. But this is how God chose for me to be sanctified. This is how He chose to show Himself in my life. Sickness and tiredness and everything changing day after day after day. All of those people who told me that it was the toughest thing they've ever done to go from one child to two were right.

But perseverance produces hope, so I need to go to bed now so I can do all of this craziness again tomorrow. Thank goodness that His mercies are new every morning.

"You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. " -The Rolling Stones

My Three Loves

2011-01-10T19:47:00.000-05:00

Els FINALLY agreed to "hold" her brother tonight after almost seven weeks of trying to talk her into it. She was way excited to give him "baby juice".

And Now

2011-01-03T16:10:00.000-05:00

Oh the joy of being dressed up by Aunt "Dace".

The jury's still out. Who does this cutie look like?

Pictures of the wee ones. Because it's been a while and they're growing like weeds.

I'm Burning

2011-01-03T15:47:00.000-05:00

When God called Moses in Exodus 3 to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt and under the hand of Pharaoh, Moses' first question was highly understandable. He basically asked, "Who am I, Lord? Why me?" I understand his thinking because I've been asking God the same question for the last five and a half weeks. "Do you really know who I am, God? Why did you pick me to be the mother of two children? Don't you know I'm much more qualified for, well, anything else?" No, God hasn't called me to lead a nation, but on days like today, I feel like that would be a much easier job description than the one I have.

As I was just in the shower (oh the sheer bliss of two simultaneously sleeping children!) God reminded me of Exodus 3, Moses' question, but more importantly, he reminded me of how he answered the shepherd-cum-leader of Israel. He didn't pat Moses on the back and remind him of all the good things that he'd done, all of the ways God had been preparing him for this task. No. He simply said, "I will be with you."

That's what he's reminding me of today. No sir, I'm not qualified for this job. Not in the least. But it is exactly where God wants me and he is with me every step of the way.

And I know who He is.

"Moses saw the bush in flames and heard the branches speak his name, I wonder if he felt this kind of fear..." -Nichole Nordeman

I'm Thankful

2010-12-14T08:22:00.000-05:00

I know that writing out things I am thankful for is late, as it is now actually closer to Christmas than Thanksgiving, but better late than never right? Also, just like I believe in telling those I love that I love them on days other than Valentine's, it's very important for me to purposely dwell on things I'm thankful for on days other than that marked by turkey, dressing, and cranberry sauce. You see, I don't really understand why, but I can be a bit of a negative person. I hate it, but I'm always waiting for the other shoe to fall, the bad thing to happen instead of being thankful for what I have. It's something that drives B crazy and it's something that I constantly fight. So, here in this precious window of time while both children are napping (I say napping and not sleeping because Els is in her bed talking to her stuffed animals for a while before she sleeps)*, here are things I'm thankful for, in no particular order.

a man who loves me for who I am (and sometimes, despite who I am)
a little girl who is so full of life sometimes I think she might burst at the seams
a baby boy who loves to be swaddled and cuddled and who looks like his mommy
a mom who lays down her life every day for the people around her and is the best "juggler" I know
a dad who would do anything for his children and is a wonderful example of Christ
an older, younger sister who, besides B, is my best friend and probably knows me best
an older, younger brother who is witty and smart and going to be a fabulous doctor
a younger, younger sister who reminds me that miracles do happen in front of our eyes and that sometimes God's answer to prayer is a resounding "YES!"
a younger, younger brother who lives life to the fullest every second of every day without exception
many other people I don't have time to list because children are waking up
children waking up
the gift of Christ, the gift of a perfect Son come to live and die so that we can know the Father

What are you thankful for?

(*I started this post one day and had to finish it on another. Thus my life now.)

Miller's Birth

2010-12-06T15:57:00.001-05:00

This little guy grows and changes so much every day, yet, 10 days later I still cannot hardly believe that he's here. Finally here. So, for potentially inquiring minds out there as well as my own memory, I thought I'd write his birth story before I forget the details.

It actually starts the week before he was born. I was miserable. I'm talking MISERABLE. The way that Miller was positioned kept me from sleeping for more than an hour or so at the time and I was at the end of my rope physically and emotionally. On the Thursday night, a whole week before his birth, I started having a pretty high fever that left me shaking and achy all over. On Friday it got a little better, mainly through sheer will power, but reemerged early Saturday morning. Also, when I tried to roll onto my right side, pain would shoot through my whole hip and leg, making me want to scream. We had no idea what was going on, so we did something very uncharacteristic of us-we went to the hospital. Long story short, what I thought would be a short visit followed by antibiotics turned into a day full of tests, including a CT scan, an overnight stay, and an IV of fluids for about 18 hours. For a while the doctors thought I had appendicitis and I faced the reality of a possible C-section and appendectomy. God worked wonders, though, and Sunday morning I felt a lot better, my white counts were up, and they sent me home with orders to rest and come back when I was in labor.

Then it was Thanksgiving week. My whole family showed up and everyone except me was convinced that Miller would be born at any point during the week. I was still very tired and in a negative frame of mind, so I went around telling everyone that I was sure that he would not come until the middle of December. I'm pretty sure they all rolled their eyes at me behind my back, but I was beyond getting my hopes up anymore. We had a very lovely Thanksgiving out at a beach house that my family had rented, complete with fried turkey, the best turnip greens EVER, and a two hour stroll on the beach. But still no Miller.

That walk on the beach left me more sore than the marathon and all the half-marathons I've ever run put together. I could hardly walk that night. At 3:30 am I woke up crying in misery and pacing around our room. B calmed me down and I slept fitfully until about 7. When we got up and started to get ready for the day, I began to notice some mild contractions, but I was determined not to make anything of them. They were all about 15 minutes apart and didn't stop me from doing anything, so told B, but we both thought that maybe he would be born the next day. Everyone came over to our house for breakfast, and although the contractions continued, they did not get stronger or closer together, so we continued with our plans for the day. My mom and I went to get pedicures at this fabulous place I've discovered and that relaxed me so much that the contractions nearly stopped. "Oh well, " I thought, and we continued to a cute little children's store in downtown Beaufort. After that, my dad and B had picked up lunch for us, so we headed back to the house. All of the sudden, during lunch, the contractions picked up and started becoming painful. I actually had to jump up from the table a couple of times. After lunch I told my mom that I needed everyone except for her and B to leave. Els went down for a nap and everyone else headed for Wal-Mart. Around 2:30, I had the worst contraction yet and I let out a little yell. Mom looked at B and said, "You have to go to the hospital, NOW." I was so determined not to make something out of nothing, that it was God's grace to us that she was there to insist that we leave. I don't know when I would have decided to go on my own.

We arrived at the hospital around 3 pm and Miller was born at 4:16 pm. I had made the mistake of asking for an epidural when we got there, but was already asking to push when the mean spirited anesthesiologist was trying to put it in. The nurses kept telling me that I couldn't push, the doctor wasn't there yet. When she finally arrived, she asked me if I wanted to wait for the epidural to kick in or if I wanted to push and go ahead and have the baby. That was an easy decision despite the epic pain, I wanted to have the baby of course! In the end, I got no relief from the epidural. Miller was born within minutes of it going into my back, so they simply took it out. He had pooped before delivery, so they had to rush him to the side and suck his airways out before I could hold him. I think I held my breath until I heard that first little cry. He was fine. He was covered in nastiness, but he was fine. We were a little shocked to see that he had a head full of almost black hair and looked very little like Els, but he is a beautiful boy. Upon examination of my baby pictures, he actually looks a lot like I did as a newborn. We're looking forward to seeing what he looks like as he grows.

So, whew! It's hard to believe that all of that happened over 10 days ago now. I'm not sure when it's going to sink in that I have two children. Thank the Lord for wonderful friends and family that are being so supportive right now to this emotional mama.

And thank the Lord for coffee.

Introducing.....

2010-11-29T16:09:00.000-05:00

Miller Ashton Magee

Born November 26, 2010 at 4:16 pm

7 pounds, 6 ounces

He's a snuggler!

Food Glorious Food!

2010-11-18T16:11:00.000-05:00

Well, folks, the season is upon us! A week from today is Thanksgiving and a month from that day is Christmas. And while both holidays mean so much more than filling our bellies, I have to admit that the food that graces us at this time of year is some of my favorite. Since little is going on in my corner of the world besides waiting and waiting and waiting for Miller, I thought I'd wax poetic on one of my favorite topics, pregnancy and non-pregnancy, holiday and non-holiday, alike, food.

First of all, pregnancy foods. I don't really have random, crazy pregnancy cravings. The only weird food thing that has happened to me both times is that I hate coffee from about week 6 to week 12 or 13. It has happened both times and it's awful. I hate the taste, smell, even thought of coffee for most of the first trimester. During my pregnancy with Els, I wanted anything spicy. B often accused me of sneaking crushed red pepper flakes into anything I could. (Which was admittedly pretty true.) Similarly, this pregnancy, I have wanted curry any time I could get my chopsticks on it. Thai curry, Indian curry, Indonesian curry, you name it, I want it. There was one week about a month ago that B politely asked me to maybe not make anything curried for a while. Fortunately for both of us, our little town is inexplicably home to quite possibly the best Thai restaurant I've ever been to and I can talk him into dinner there more often than not. (We're having it tonight! Woohoo!)

And, oh, holiday foods. To me, there are few flavor combinations in the world that can match the near perfection that is the marriage of chocolate and mint. While showcased year round in the form of peppermint patties, it's this time of year that the chocolate mint love affair is given top billing everywhere from coffee creamers to dipped pretzels. (Be still, my beating heart!) Seriously, I can't get enough. I don't really care a whole lot about turkey and ham, I mean, I eat whatever's there, but, it is the side dishes that get me. Pumpkin pie, pretty much any kind of vegetable casserole, dressing (which I realize most people call stuffing), and, here comes the southern girl, collard greens - these are why I really look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas meals. Besides spending time with friends and family of course.

So, there you go. A 38+ weeks pregnant lady talking for paragraphs about food. Shocking.

Bon Appetit!

USMC Ball

2010-11-11T10:04:00.000-05:00

This past weekend, we went to the annual ball for B's battalion. Here is a rare picture of just the two of us (well, three actually) all dressed up! I'm 36.5 weeks pregnant here. Hopefully there's not much more time before this little guy joins us on the outside!

A Different Kind of Trick-or-Treat

2010-11-02T17:39:00.000-04:00

This is Els the cowgirl "trick-or-treating." AKA Els chasing neighborhood cats.

The trick was on the ones she caught up to. The treat was all hers!

Seeds

2010-10-29T08:43:00.000-04:00

Scripture memory. It's all over my radar right now. I'm really not sure that the Lord could make it any more clear to me that I NEED it. (Although, I have no doubt that he could if he wanted to, so that's not a challenge or anything.) Thanks Mom, John Piper, and Seeds Family Worship. A friend of mine and I recently went in together and bought the Seeds CDs. If you haven't heard of them, they're great. They're verses of scripture set to music that is aimed towards kids, but, as a parent, I like them too. Best of all, the ~~verses~~ songs get stuck in my head. Not a bad problem to have.

Especially when the song is "Phillipians 4:6-7". "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Yeah. Totally what I need to hear. Over and over and over again in my head. I am so ready for this little boy to be born. I don't remember being this big or tired or unable to wear even most maternity clothes with Els. But this is not my show and it's not about me. So, I've been laying these worries over and over again at the feet of Jesus and asking for faith to trust that my discomfort is what's best for Miller. Despite what I'm feeling, I know that he will be born precisely when he's supposed to.

Also, I'm nothing if not impatient, so waiting is always a good yet hard lesson for me. There's much joy and excitement to be found in it. Joy in the laughter, ever-growing vocabulary, and non-stop energy of my precious girl and excitement as I imagine how much more full life will be when there are two using the living room furniture as a jungle gym. Or sitting in little boxes watching tv.

Fall, Where Are You?

2010-10-27T14:48:00.000-04:00

I had the strangest dream last night. We lived in the Southern United States and while we didn't get drastic season changes, it tended to turn cooler in September/October for autumn and then cold around the turn of the year.

Then I woke up to my reality. That we live on the equator where it's still a blazing 90 degrees on October 27th. Good thing Els' Halloween costume doesn't involve anything warm.

Go Dawgs!

2010-10-23T23:20:00.000-04:00

Just in case you were wondering, getting a toddler and a bulldog to look at the camera at the same time may actually be impossible. Aren't they cute, though?

I Look Forward To

2010-10-22T14:16:00.000-04:00

Fall (Yes, I know it's October 22, but I live in the swamp and it's still in the high 70s and low 80s here. No sweaters yet.)

Non-smelly newborn diapers (Even though I know that there will be MANY of them.)

Christmas music (T-8 days until we start playing it around here.)

Running (Don't even get me started.)

The occasional peppermint mocha (The closest 'bucks is 45 minutes away.)

Els' "I'm awake" chatter when nap is over

Hearing his key turn the lock at the end of the day

More Than I Deserve

2010-10-13T10:23:00.000-04:00

So, I have to be real honest and tell you guys that I've been throwing a big pity party for myself around here lately. You see, this week I'm 33 weeks pregnant with Miller and I kind of thought that most people in my life hadn't really noticed. I've given myself little pep talks about how he's a second child and a lot of people don't have showers for second children, I just had a baby 19 months ago, we have most of what we need anyway, etc., etc. The last thing I want to be is needy. I guess it's the raging American in me that wants to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, thank-you-very-much. But this is not how God intended for us to live together as believers, a point that He wanted to make very clear to me.

Everything changed yesterday when I walked into my good friend's house for our weekly lunch Bible study. I hadn't noticed the extra cars parked around as I tried to carry the food I had made, Els' booster seat and bag, while also trying to corral her into the yard and out of the road. And then it happened. Everyone yelled "Surprise!" It was not Bible study, it was a baby shower for Miller. I cried. Hard. Automatically, I felt so foolish and selfish for having spent the time feeling left out and overlooked. And I felt so blessed. They had made all sorts of delicious food and invited some wonderful ladies that I haven't seen in a while. It was wonderful to catch up with everyone and have all of our kids there together. As I opened gifts, I threw out the tissue paper to all the toddlers and preschoolers and they had a ball throwing it around and ripping it to shreds. What a perfect shower for a little boy!

Later in the afternoon, while Els napped, I sat on my bed and thanked God for His ever over-abundant provision for me. I am overwhelmed at how marvelous His grace is to poor, petty me. The shower yesterday was a not-so-subtle reminder that He does see me, listen to me, and pour blessings out on me even when I don't deserve them. To the praise of His glorious Name!

Thank you, thank you sweet ladies for yesterday if you read this. You can have no idea what an impact on my life you have made.

"There was life before my life. There was provision before my need. There was redemption before my sin. For the sake of the world, I thank the Lord that the truth's not contingent on me."
-Derek Webb

Isn't It Love?

2010-10-10T15:12:00.000-04:00

She may look like the spitting image of her father, but this girl is also 100% mine, declaring her love of cats on her clothing proudly.

How Can it Be?

2010-10-04T08:30:00.000-04:00

Where has the time gone? When did it change from June (the month it still currently is in my head) to OCTOBER? While I'm quite excited that the temperature has dropped below the 90s (and even 80s!) here for a couple of days, it means that a precious little boy will be joining our family on the outside very soon. This is partially due to the fact that I went to the doctor last week at 31 weeks and they don't want to see me back for 5 weeks. 5 weeks. Oh government healthcare. It's free, but sometimes you get just what you pay for. Somedays, his arrival couldn't came soon enough and, at the same time, there are some moments where I feel like freaking out a bit.

My parents came this weekend and Dad helped B rearrange a bunch of furniture in the kids' (kids'!) rooms to get ready for Miller's arrival. Now I have two rooms of the house that are in complete and utter disarray. My task for the week: create order from said chaos. I know that I don't have to have Miller's nursery ready for him when he arrives, that he won't use it much for the first several weeks, but it will make me feel a lot better about things. Especially with his due date smack dab in the middle of our two biggest holidays. My sister is positive that I won't make it that long and while she was right about Els coming early, I am not getting my hopes up. All I hope for is that he be born healthy and naturally.

So that's about it for now. Things are entirely insane for B at work which means a lot of evening walks for Els and me while we wait for him to come home. Our new double stroller is supposed to come today, so maybe we can give it a spin before it officially has two occupants.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement after my last post. We don't live in a vacuum and it's so good to be reminded of that.

Overwhelmed

2010-09-27T16:49:00.000-04:00

I have the opening line of the theme song for "The Wonder Years" stuck in my head this afternoon. "What would you think if I sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me?" Would you think less of me if I told you that I'm a bit overwhelmed right now? The very last thing in the world that I want to do is complain about my life. I have a wonderful life, I just feel like I constantly and consistently fail at it. My days are filled with a very vivacious 19-month-old (today!) who is exploding with words and new things she can do. As her mommy, I feel like I am always struggling with how to channel this never ending energy into positive things and teach her well about the world around us.

My nights are filled with an extremely active little boy who is sitting pretty low at this point which means lots of trips to the bathroom and middle of the night stretching. As his mommy, I feel like I do a bad job remembering that he's even there until he kicks me in the ribs because my mind is so occupied by his big sister. I am always putting off what needs to be done and bought for him because his birth is still so far in the future in my mind. It is hard to believe that he could be with us on the outside in as little as six or seven weeks!

In short, God has been so gracious and generous with me and I want to do what He's given me to do well and I just flat out don't know how to. But I want to. I pray for my children all the time, I just don't know what else to do to put them in the right paths. So, if there are any seasoned moms out there reading this, what do you do in the day to day? Activities for a toddler? Advice for handling the day with more than one? I know that it's a broad question, but any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks for (once again) listening.

This Guy

2010-09-14T16:00:00.000-04:00

He has a birthday today. He's not very psyched about his new age, but I rather think he keeps getting better, so I say, bring on those big(ger) numbers. It's all relative anyway, right?

Eight years ago today, my family was right smack dab in the middle of Grace's adoption. On that day, September 14, 2002, the social worker who was writing our home study was coming to have family dinner with us. It was a rainy Saturday. For my part, I made a chocolate chip cookie and whipped cream dessert. She came, we had dinner and she went. But there was dessert left over. Later on that evening, my little brother and some of his friends came over along with a couple of the youth workers from the church where he went to youth group. I was excited because one of said youth workers was Brian, a guy I had met a couple of times and I thought he was really good looking and interesting. And low and behold, it was his birthday! The guys put candles in the rest of the chocolate chip cookie dessert I had made and we all sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

Two weeks later we went on our first date.

And I've made him birthday cakes ever since then.

Happy Birthday Babe!

The Ever Exciting Life of Els

2010-09-02T16:17:00.000-04:00

Learning to love on babies

I may be a bit biased, but do they come any cuter than this?

The final voyage of Wanda the Honda

This girl loves to wear my shoes

"Don't even think about touching this spoon, Mommy. I can feed myself!"

She loves muffins. Especially when they have chocolate chips in them.

Sit

2010-08-31T15:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I need a gentle reminder of what's important. Today has been a very "Martha" day for me. We had Bible Study at our house at lunchtime and I spent the morning in a semi-frenzy getting ready for it. (I am nothing if not a procrastinator.) Els ends up with the short end of the stick on these days because I do things to keep her occupied and out of my way mostly which leaves us both frazzled. She had a mini breakdown about 15 minutes before people were supposed to arrive and I stuck her in her bed to cool off while I finished preparations for lunch.

Then it hit me.

Where was the love in this situation? All that my 18-month old wanted was my attention. Me. Not what I can do. I could have my house looking spotless and lunch tasting delicious, but if it's at the expense of love, it means nothing. Well, then Bible Study came and went and was wonderful, but I forgot the little lesson God began in my heart beforehand. Els and I walked out to get the mail before nap time and as we were walking back through the yard I heard her behind me say, "Sit." And she did. Right in the dirt in her pretty dress. It was a not so subtle reminder to me that she wanted to spend time with her Mommy. (Also, it was quite possibly the cutest thing I've seen in a while.) My heart was melted. I sat for 15 minutes or so and she ran around picking up various treasures (dead flowers, leaves, shells, hand-fulls of dirt) and bringing them back to me. We had the best time.

She is priceless and I have this one life to live with her. I am immensely blessed indeed.

What's in a Name

2010-08-24T17:14:00.000-04:00

For some reason, though most of you know it, I've never written Els' actual name on this blog. I felt like it was some small measure of internet security, but I put so much other stuff about us on here, I don't know why it mattered. And now I'm faced with a dilemma because baby #2 doesn't have a name that so easily lends itself to a blog nick-name. So here goes with the names.

She is Eliana (the Lord has answered).

He is Miller (my maiden name).

There you go.

Labor of Love

2010-08-24T00:24:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time coming, but B made us a bed! He has always joked with me about how he can make me anything I need, and in this case, he did.

Please note the little head popping up on the far side. She loves that the side rails also double as footholds that she can now use to successfully climb up on our bed by herself.

Language of the Soul

2010-08-24T00:19:00.002-04:00

Since May, I have had the pleasure of being in a book club with some of the most encouraging ladies I've ever known. We meet every two weeks to talk about classical literature but I leave every time encouraged as a believer, as a mother, and just as a person in general. Right now we are right smack dab in the middle of John Milton's Paradise Lost. It's Milton's fleshed out version of the fall of Satan and subsequent fall of man written in epic poem version. And it's gorgeous. We spent some time tonight talking about how sometimes poetry can say things in such ways as to make them make more sense than prose.

The same is true for all of the arts, I think. Whether a painting, a poem, a song, or other art form, I believe that they reach different parts of us than mere words. They speak a language of their own and differently to each one of us. They are the languages of the soul. It was actually happy coincidence that we talked a bit of this tonight because I was thinking about it in regard to music last night. B and I watched the movie, "The Soloist", and it was incredible. It is the true story of a LA Times reporter who befriends a homeless man who is a musical prodigy. There is this one beautiful scene in the movie where Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, the homeless musician, is presented by the reporter with a cello for the first time in many years. Mr. Ayers sits down on a makeshift stool on the side of the road and begins to play. And the look on his face as his bow glides across the strings! He's hearing the language of his soul for the first time in years. And I knew that look because I know that language too. I was almost in tears. Jamie Foxx should have won an Oscar for that scene alone.

Maybe everyone's like this and I just don't know it, but songs speak to me in ways that nothing else can. Music makes me feel alive. What an incredible gift!

What makes you feel alive?

Love Songs

2010-08-10T16:54:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but today, as I was making chocolate chip cookies, I was thinking about my favorite love songs. Maybe because making any kind of "dessert" makes me think of my dessert-loving Marine, or maybe it's because I'm a total sap and I love love songs. Either way, I thought that I'd share with you my short list of favorite love songs. In no particular order, here they are:

Forever by Ben Harper
Kingdom Come by Coldplay
Springtime Indiana by Sandra McCracken
One by U2
You Are the Best Thing by Ray LaMontagne

Not exhaustive, but it's a start. And, random, I know, especially with all else going on in our lives right now.

What are some of your favorites?

"Never been good with my thoughts and even worse with my words, but you read like familiar poetry that I have never heard..." -Sandra McCracken

My Girl and Me

2010-07-29T09:09:00.000-04:00

We look alike, right?

Boy Oh Boy!

2010-07-27T18:03:00.000-04:00

So, as you may have guessed from the title, baby #2 is a boy! We found out yesterday morning. To be really honest, before we found out, I was nervous about the possibility that it was a boy because, well, I have no idea what to do with a boy and my mom says that they'll break your heart one day. However, since we found out, I have been absolutely thrilled about this new little man. He's so active and, even though it's an ultrasound picture, he looks like his big sister already.

Also, we found out that he's due 9 days earlier than we thought. November 30 here we come!

Milton's Blindness

2010-07-20T10:25:00.000-04:00

I've never much for poetry. I mean, I love it, but I don't always get it and I cannot write it as much as I wish that I could. Recently, a friend shared this poem with me and the last line speaks to me as much as a whole book of poetry could.

On His Blindness

When I consider how my light is spent
E're half my days, in this dark world and wide,
And that one Talent which is death to hide,
Lodg'd with me useless, though my Soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, least he returning chide,
Doth God exact day-labour, light deny'd,
I fondly ask But patience to prevent
That murmur, soon replies, God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts, who best
Bear his milde yoak, they serve him best, his State
Is Kingly. Thousands at his bidding speed
And post o're Land and Ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and waite.

-John Milton (emphasis mine)

Sometimes the Legends are True

2010-07-14T08:34:00.000-04:00

We live on an island amidst a myriad of other islands, marshlands, tidal creeks and very near the Atlantic Ocean. While our town is not the home of a Target, Starbucks, or even a reputable Italian restaurant, it does lay claim to much beauty. And where there is beauty there is always mystery.

This is where my story begins.

Cruising through the tidal "creeks" (read: rivers) many of the islands look the same. Some are large and usually lined by enormous houses with lush green lawns and long docks to house their boats, while some are small and hold only a grove of palmettos raised a few feet above the marsh grass. There is the occasional marina and the occasional sandbar where you can see the, well, uh, South Carolina "natives" in all of their lawn chairs and beer in the middle of the water glory. Then, there is Monkey Island. Yes, you read that right - MONKEY Island. As it would seem just down the road (well, if you consider a tidal river a road and your boat a car) from our house lies the only free range monkey colony in the United States. There, about 5000 monkeys live on a beautiful, lush 400 acre island accessible only by boat and ringed with "No Trespassing" signs. The story goes that they are "grown" for research and that about 500 a year are harvested for these purposes.

Since last month, we have been on "Monkey Quest 2010" just about every weekend, trying to catch a glimpse of said monkeys. On Father's Day weekend, we saw several but they were too far back in the trees to get a good picture of them. While my lawyer husband assures everyone aboard that trespassing is only a misdemeanor and that he's not even sure what statute they could prosecute us under, none of us has yet to set foot on the island. I'm fine not even having a misdemeanor, much less not being attacked by wild monkeys. This past weekend, we had a little better luck. While trying to crank the boat back up, (I'll spare the details of potentially being stuck in the middle of nowhere on a boat with two tired and hungry toddlers. That's a whole other post in and of itself.) we noticed that a curious little fellow had climbed to the edge to observe our potential demise. Behold:

Although we were tempted to see if the little guy could work our a tow for us, we did eventually get the boat cranked thanks to the mad McGuyver-like skills of the men with us, but we got a good picture of a monkey at last. I am nearly positive that we'll be back. Finding monkeys has become a minor hobby/obsession for B these days.

So, there are monkeys in South Carolina. Who knew?

Our Little Family

2010-06-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

Thanks to the super-talented Mr. Jeremy Patat for this little gem of a family photo!

It's Been Way Too Long

2010-06-16T17:18:00.000-04:00

Since I've posted pictures of my girl!

Even Me

2010-06-14T12:25:00.000-04:00

Oh, I'm quickly becoming one of "those" bloggers. You know, the ones who just post about once a month, but to tell you the absolute truth, I'd blog a whole lot more often if I could hold a coherent thought in my head for more than 20 seconds. My mom says that you lose brain cells with each child, but I think this baby growing inside me is taking more than his/her fair share. Maybe I'm growing some sort of child prodigy!

Anyway, I listen to a lot of John Piper these days. If you don't know who he is, he is the pastor of a church in Minnesota who is without a doubt the most passionate person I've ever heard speak the Word of God. You can find all of his sermons here for free. I can't overstate how much this man loves the Word or how strongly God has used him in my life to get into the Word and love it. So, long story short, here is the only thing I can think of to write today.

I am the worst sort of person. Now, real quick, before you start thinking "Oh, no you're not" or, "she's just fishing for complements, hear me out. I carry guilt about a whole host of things. Mainly the fact that I have a master's degree that we're still paying off, I've never used it. I am secretly proud about so much and I have a growing fear that I've walked around for most of my life like the emperor with my nose stuck in the air and no clue that I'm actually naked. If you talk to me about faith, I will tell you about how the free grace of God has utterly changed my life, yet, I'm still so judgmental. Every Sunday during the corporate silent confession of sin, I confess the same sins over and over again.

But this is not the end of the story. You see, the God of the universe sent his only son to live a perfect life, die, and rise again so that I can know Him. Me. The judgmental, prideful, slothful, guilty, scared of everything woman who walks around trying so hard to look put together. Even me. Don't let my futile attempts of cleaning my house and dressing myself and my family well fool you, I need Christ so desperately. He alone is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. He did all of the work, not so I wouldn't have to, but because I can't. Christ covers my sin which allows me to enter into relationship with the God of the universe. He is the only source of love that there is and it is only because of His massive love that I can love Him. Or anyone else for the matter.

The really good news? He's for you too.

"Why should I gain from His reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom."-Stuart Townsend

What I Need to Hear Today

2010-05-21T11:34:00.000-04:00

Sovereign grace o’er sin abounding!

Ransomed souls, the tidings swell;
’Tis a deep that knows no sounding;
Who its breadth or length can tell?
On its glories,
Let my soul for ever dwell.

What from Christ that soul can sever,
Bound by everlasting bands?
Once in Him, in Him for ever;
Thus the eternal covenant stands.
None shall take Thee
From the Strength of Israel’s hands.

Heirs of God, joint-heirs with Jesus,
Long ere time its race begun;
To His name eternal praises;
O what wonders love has done!
One with Jesus,
By eternal union one.

On such love, my soul, still ponder,
Love so great, so rich, so free;
Say, while lost in holy wonder,
Why, O Lord, such love to me?
Hallelujah!
Grace shall reign

-Sovereign Grace O'er Sin Abounding by John Kent

Mothering: What I've Learned So Far

2010-05-17T15:09:00.000-04:00

Wow. That title kind of sounds like I'm writing a memoir or something, but it's the best I could come up with. But, I digress. First of all, I want to say that I am by no means an expert, nor do I make that claim. If anything, parenting makes me feel dumber by the day. I've only done this blessed of all jobs for almost 15 months now, but as I scrambled to get chores done during Els' morning nap today, I began thinking about advice people gave me at one of the showers before she was born. One woman's advice in particular is the piece that I come back to over and over in my mind. She said, "Stop reading parenting books now. I decided when my first child was born to mother just like my mother did. To just love my children and rock them to sleep." (My paraphrase.)

The first major thing I've learned is to stop comparing myself and my child to others. While that sounds like the high road, it's mainly so that I don't go crazy. Which I did for a long time, reading other mom's facebook statuses about how their child slept 14 hours straight at 6 weeks or how they had lost all of the baby weight by that time too. Neither were true for us and I spent a long time feeling like a terrible mother and a terrible person because of those facts. So, I decided to stop comparing and start enjoying my little girl for who she is and come to grips with myself as a mother. (Which meant, among other things, carrying around extra weight for months. And months.) Since I have decided this, I have been so much happier.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned about bringing up a baby so far is to not get too comfortable in any stage because, as soon as I do, it's going to change. In the first year, Els would sleep through the night for two weeks and then stop for a month. She would nap well for a month and then scream through naps for three weeks. Now, it tends to be food that we cycle through stages with. She loves bananas at breakfast and hates them at lunch time. She gobbles down what we have for dinner one night and won't touch it for lunch the next day. You get the point. B reminds me all the time that she's just a little person. He says, "You don't always sleep good do you? We don't always want to eat the same thing for every meal. Why should we expect Els to be a little robot and do the same things all the time?" He's so great at common sense.

Last, (for now because this is getting long) is never say never. It's something my mom has always told us. Right now, that mainly refers to feeding Els as well. I never wanted to be the parent that fed her children hot dogs and mac-n-cheese. Oh boy, but if that's the only thing I can get this crazy girl to eat, that's what I feed her. One day, she'll like "good" food. And at some meals now, she does.

So, there are my three cents for now. Most of all, I've learned to cling to my Heavenly Father through all of this. He's the only way to make it through any day and parenting makes that highly evident.

What to Say?

2010-05-10T23:40:00.000-04:00

First of all, I'm up entirely too late. B is doing work and it's always been very hard for me to make myself go to bed, even if I'm sleepy. I will absolutely do anything in order to keep myself up. Ridiculous, I know. Also, I still have to take a shower because I haven't had one since yesterday morning. Yuck. But, I am guessing it's about that time. What time, you ask? Oh, about time to tell you that our family of 3 will become a family of 4 in late November/early December!

While not totally unplanned, this little one was certainly a surprise to us all. I'm feeling alright mostly. I don't think I'm as nauseated as I was with Els, but I have my theories for that. Mostly I'm incredibly tired all the time (hence why I need to be going to bed instead of writing) and working out is about ten times harder than it was even a month ago. I am, however, sticking with it. That is my goal with this pregnancy. To work out as hard as I am able for as long as possible. It just makes me feel better. So far, so good, but there are still 30ish weeks to go.

I am trying very hard not to assume that this baby will be two weeks early like Els. It's not working though. Although my technical due date is December 8th, my personal wager is that the baby will come the week of Thanksgiving. We shall see.

So, there you go! We feel beyond blessed about the addition to our family. We keep trying to ask Els whether she wants a brother or sister, but she has yet to weigh in on the matter. She is too busy walking everywhere and getting into everything and pretty much being the joy of our life.

Buh-bye Blackberry

2010-04-30T16:21:00.000-04:00

When Blackberries first came out, I remember thinking that I never ever wanted one. I already felt like I was on a short leash with both a cell phone and email, but when you combine the two, I thought, you would always have to be available. There would be no excuses. However, the thing about me is that I'm not an early adopter. I like to hear someone say that it's worked for them and they love it over and over again before I'm ready to jump in.

So this happened. Over and over again I heard about the amazing wonders of the Blackberry and then, last June, I became an owner. A user. There's a reason people call them "Crackberries." All of the sudden, I was checking it all the time. Do I have an email? A facebook comment? Not to mention that B downloaded a ridiculously addictive game called "Ka-Glom" onto it which I played all the time. I have not ever been one to play video games of any kind. But none of these are the reasons that we finally parted two weeks ago today. It was the price tag.

Let's face it, I'm a stay at home mom and spending $30 on my data plan a month just didn't make sense anymore. (Or ever, really.) I can check my email at home anytime I want on the computer, so all I really need is a reliable cell phone with good service. So, kicking and screaming, I gave up the ole' BB last month when my plan was up.

We're experimenting with a no-contract cell phone right now that I'm not entirely sold on, but it works. I do feel like I've set myself back about 5 years cell phone wise, but oh well. I'm curious about how others of you handle the whole cell phone thing now. Am I the only one [back] in the dark ages again?

I Never Thought

2010-04-13T10:26:00.000-04:00

That I would marry a Marine (or a lawyer for that matter.)
That I would live in South Carolina
That I would love South Carolina (well, at least parts of it)
That I would drink black coffee (weird, weird development in my life of late)
That I would enjoy weightlifting
That I would be a stay at home mom (and love it!)
That I could love a little girlfriend so much
That my heart is so black
That there is so much Hope.

This is 6 Days Late

2010-04-12T15:24:00.000-04:00

April 6, 2002 was such a life changing day for me, I've already blogged about it before. Since that post was mainly about Grace, I thought I'd expound upon something I merely touched on there. On that fateful Saturday, I wore an off-white dress suit thing that I loved at the time but now can't believe I would ever wear. I sang in the wedding of two dear friends and spent most of the reception trying to avoid a boy that I had broken up with several months before. Most importantly, though, I was finally introduced to the friend of a close friend that I had heard a lot about. Brian Magee, I finally met the famous Brian Magee and the name had a face. A face that, at that time, was framed by shaggy hair and a goatee, the combination of which made me think that he was a lot older than me. Too old for me, so, on that day, I never gave him a second thought.

Skip a month, to late May, when in the frenzy of getting ready to go out with my best friend from high school, I met this guy again. In my parent's basement, watching a movie with my brother. This time, his head was shaved, but the goatee still remained. I remember thinking that he was good looking and maybe not as old as I had previously thought.

Fast forward a wonderful trip-filled summer to my first semester at UGA. Oh, there were new guys everywhere, but I kept running into one in particular that seemed different to me. Brian Magee. And, as it turned out, we are the same age. (Well, 7 months apart, but same "grade.") He was handsome, intriguing, interesting, and pretty much unlike anyone I'd ever met.

We started dating that fall and the rest, as they say, is history.

"You turned me into somebody loved..." -The Weepies

People I Know

2010-03-30T10:46:00.002-04:00

Today my heart just aches for people I know. People I REALLY know. The people I don't have to explain myself to or wonder if they like me.

Suprise! You're Still a Runner

2010-03-30T09:03:00.000-04:00

That's what I found out at the race on Saturday. I wasn't sure. I've only dabbled in running since Els was born. Oh, who am I kidding? Since I found out I was pregnant with her, just short of two years ago. I certainly have not trained for anything. But, lo and behold, I ran a pretty respectable (to me-I was still just 10th in my age group) time at the Beaufort Twilight Run and, afterwards, fun was had by all. I'm pretty sure I owe if all to Uncle Tony, as my sister and I refer to him. Still, I don't do P90X everyday, just 3 or 4 days a week with 1 or 2 runs mixed in there.

All that to say, I've caught the bug now. I want to do more races. The thing that I really love about racing is the people. Just like any other big event, races bring out all sorts of folks. There are the seriously trained, you-know-before-the-race-starts-that-they're-gonna-be-first-or-second people. They're usually on mile two of their warm-ups as I cruise into the parking lot, finishing my last gummy worm. There's the dress ups. You know, the people wearing Batman costumes, or American flag spandex shorts. At this race there was a whole group of dudes wearing button up tiger print shirts. (Side note; one time, the picture company got my race number mixed up with the guy dressed up like Batman's and I got his race pictures in the mail.) There are the women in full make-up and jewelry, the growing number of people with iPods, and the pre-pubescent boys who sprint for 400 meters and then walk over and over again but still end up averaging 6:30 miles. The most disturbing (to me) people are the race t-shirt wearers. No, not previous race t-shirts, the race they're currently running's t-shirt. There is no bigger race party foul. You don't wear the shirt 'til you've crossed the finish line, people. It's a badge of honor.

Anyway, I wrote and meant to post this a whole week ago, but I've been away from the computer. I got my race pictures by email two days ago and will not be ordering any. Running pictures of me have always been disgusting. But I still want to keep running and getting better. Pictures or not.

Rambling Thoughts

2010-03-17T08:45:00.000-04:00

Two years ago, I remember thinking about how I was loving "spring forward" for the first time ever. I was working at the Classic Center in Athens and it was a beautiful morning. Never have I had an appreciation for this phenomenon like I do now. That is because spring forward equals it's 8:30am and Els is still snoozing. Now, don't get me wrong, I love that girl more than anything, but making and drinking my first cup of coffee without her begging for puffs and bananas ('nanas') is something I could get used to. Something tells me that she'll adjust sooner or later and this blissful hour will end. (Or, I'll have to get up earlier to have it, and if you know me, you're not holding your breath for that one. ha.)

Onto other things. We are mildly settled back into life again. B is in the job that he'll hopefully do for a year before he is moved again. The wedding shower that my sister, mom, and I hosted this past weekend was a success. Not the kind of success where there are a lot of people there, but the kind where there are people that love each other together and everyone has a great time. We had a blast with the bride and groom for the whole weekend. I just wish I was better with taking pictures.

And speaking of, Els had her one year photo shoot with the very talented Cindy Streams. I can't wait to see the finished product. She was her little stoic self at the beginning, but then warmed up and gave us some priceless faces. That girl has a mind of her own. Heaven help me.

Tomorrow, I will begin my second Bible Study of the year and I'm way too excited about it. Also, on a total whim, I'm running an 8K this weekend. It's in the evening and is followed by an oyster roast, so it should be a good time even if I'm not close to prepared to race 4.9 miles.

Whew! Well, enough about me. How about you?

This and That

2010-03-04T11:48:00.000-05:00

Ours is a bit of a revolving door these days. Whether it's us leaving or others coming, we haven't had a "regular" weekend since January. This leaves me either cleaning furiously or packing hurriedly on all but a few days of the week. And the events, oh the events, they are wonderful, but my mother and I are planning several of them this spring. There was Els' birthday last weekend, a wedding shower next weekend, and an upcoming family reunion in April. Also in the mix are several weddings which we are happily not planning. (This year at least.)

Don't get me wrong. I love planning, I love cooking, and, well, I don't really mind cleaning. I relish being in a house full of people that I love, but it all goes by so fast, like flashes before my eyes. Life at this pace doesn't leave a lot of time for reflection and certainly less time for blogging. So, I guess I'm writing about it today because I want to enjoy all of this "together" time. I want to be able to hit the pause button and have meaningful conversations with everyone I see. I want to be able to write for you what I'm learning through it all, I'm just not sure what that is right now.

In addition, B is going through some crazy changes at work. He jokes that he feels like a ping pong ball, hit back and forth by the whims and purposes of the powers that be. I tend to think of his work situation as a roulette wheel where he's the ball. Where will he land when the wheel stops turning? (4? 8? 15? 16? 23? 42?, but I digress...)

As I pondered all of this before going to sleep last night, the thought occurred to me, "What if I really believed that a loving God was in control of all this? I mean REALLY in control. How would I live?" A lot more confidently, I think. So, that's my prayer for our little family right now. That we would learn to live confidently because of a loving God that has us hemmed in, behind and before.

P.S. I love this shot of my girl on her birthday. At one you're still unafraid to show how you feel. Even at your birthday party!

My Girl is One

2010-02-28T17:35:00.000-05:00

She had a blast yesterday, eating cake, opening presents (and playing with boxes), and generally being the center of attention. It was great.

I just can't believe that I have a toddler!

My Children

2010-02-12T20:35:00.002-05:00

Because they're so darn cute! Also, it's snowing here! It's dark, so I hope that there's still enough around for pictures in the morning!

In My Head Today

2010-02-08T15:30:00.001-05:00

No day in my life has past
That hasn't proved me guilty;
Prayers are uttered too fast
From a heart that's cold and empty.

Oh blessed Jesus,
May we find a covert in Thy wounds;
Though our sins, they rise to meet us,
How they fall next to the merits of you.

Oh, all in me calls for this,
It calls for my rejection;
This heavy unrighteousness,
Oh, is there no protection?

My best services are rags;
My best deeds are filthy.

Grant me hear Thy shoring voice,
That in Thy wounds is pardon;
Grant me see Thy willing choice
To make my hard heart softened.

Keep the broken-hearted sure,
Clinging to Thy cross, our cure.

Oh blessed Jesus,
May we find a covert in Thy wounds;
Though our sins, they rise to meet us,
How they fall next to the merits of you.

-"A Prayer for the Broken Hearted"

New Favorites

2010-02-06T12:00:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I've done a "favorites" post, so here goes. Flavors of the month include:

*Lost-It's back. I can hardly contain my excitement, even if I'm more than a little confused at this point. Locke is such a good villain, I kind of wish that he had been a bad guy earlier.

*Saltine crackers-I had really forgotten how much I liked these until I got sick a couple of weeks ago and B brought some of these babies home to me. Els likes them too!
*Patty Griffin's Downtown Church-Amen, sister! I've been waiting a while for this one.
*The silver hoops that B and Els gave me for Christmas. Sorry, no pictures yet. I'm always behind the camera these days. But, they're from Aurum, so you can rest assured that they're awesome.

*Els' toy box-I have no idea what we did with all of this stuff before.

I'm sure that there's more, but that's a little sampling of life in these parts right now. While all of my friends north of here are experiencing cold and snow like never before, it's balmy and rainy here in Beaufort. Meanwhile, we're getting ready for someone special's first birthday. Can't believe it, but it will be here soon!

Molars

2010-02-05T11:30:00.003-05:00

This girl is getting them this week. All the better to eat corn with!

Home at Last

2010-02-03T17:06:00.005-05:00

On December 4, 2003, we finally met Grace. It was a really cold day in Georgia, one of the first we had that season. I remember this because Sarah and I had made "I'm a big sister" T-shirts to wear that day and I had to totally re-think my outfit the day of. (We also made Andy a "I'm a big brother" shirt. It was his first time being so.) Anyway, since it was Sarah and my job to coordinate, we had everyone (grandparents, aunts, siblings, future brother in laws, etc.) at the airport to meet Mom, Dad, and Grace a whopping 2 hours early. We stood at the top of the escalators at the Atlanta airport and watched people meet up after their travels. We ate Wendy's Frostys. We cried. If you've ever been at the top of said stairs at the ATL, you know what I mean.

Every time a new group of passengers started appearing, my stomach would drop a little and my heart rate would increase. Would they be in this group? We waited the full two hours and their plane was on time. Finally, we recognized Dad's face as he slowly appeared. And there she was. Grace was facing Mom, who was riding behind them, so the first thing we saw was the back of her glossy black haired head. She was wearing a beautiful red coat and black pants. I don't really remember the rest clearly. We all rushed forward and hugged and cried and took pictures. Grace was timid at first, but soon warmed up to us. (Andy had hidden a cookie in his pocket in order to bribe her in to coming to him-ha!) We got their luggage and headed home.

What a joyous and tiring night that was. I remember friends stopping by and Grace eating in her high chair (that Els eats in now at their house) in the kitchen. We were so happy to be at home together. Grace's forever family!

After

2010-01-24T19:47:00.001-05:00

A self haircut (just the bangs) and
some more coffee and
a chat with my sister and
an evening with my family and
a little of this
i'm feeling better.

Maybe

2010-01-24T16:06:00.002-05:00

it's because we haven't seen the sun in days or

my mom left today or

my almost 11 month old won't nap lately or

it's Sunday afternoon or

it's January or

all of the above

but

i'm in a funk today.

Journey to Grace

2010-01-11T13:44:00.005-05:00

I can't remember the day Mom and Dad left for China to get Grace (sorry Mom). I know that it was towards the end of November 2003, because they were gone over Thanksgiving. They flew from Atlanta to LA and then LA to Beijing. They spent a few days in Beijing sightseeing and adjusting to the time zone (12 hours different) before traveling to Hefei where they would meet Grace for the first time. Hefei is in the Anhui Province of China, almost due west from Shanghai. The Chinese consider it to be a small town, but it is home to a couple of million people. Grace is actually from a smaller town outside of Hefei called Bengbu City. For whatever reason, the government did not allow my parents or any other adoptive parents to visit the orphanage where their children were from

They say that they hardly slept the night before they met Grace. Everyone from their travel group was supposed to meet up in the lobby of the hotel at a specific time the next morning, and everyone was there early. Nannies from the orphanage accompanied the director to the hotel from Bengbu City, bringing the babies to their new forever families. It's beautiful to watch the video of that morning because the nannies filed in the room, each carrying a child, while the army of new parents waited on the other side, half holding video cameras. Everyone immediately recognized their child from pictures, but had to endure waiting for their name to be called out by the director to step up and meet her. Dad video taped their meeting with Grace. The nanny gave Grace to Mom and Grace looked down as Mom held her close, beaming from ear to ear. After a few moments, Grace began to cry and the nanny gave Mom a cookie to give her. This quieted her down and then Dad got to hold her too, but she still had a far off look in her eyes. It is amazing to see her a mere two hours later in the next video. Mom had taken her up to their room while Dad finished up some paperwork. During that short time, she transformed into a happy, energetic baby eyes all aglow as she played with her Mommy.

They spent the next two weeks in China sightseeing, filling out paperwork, and getting to know Grace before they all came home to us. In the meantime, Sarah, Andy, B, and I had Thanksgiving with our family and ran the Atlanta Half Marathon. We lived for the phone calls from Mom, Dad, and Grace, listening to her coo and laugh over the line. These were the first pictures we got from them:

We could not wait to meet her ourselves.

Lots in Review

2010-01-05T11:18:00.002-05:00

I'm going to interrupt the blogs about Grace's adoption to review the year, decade, etc. 2009 brought us one big bundle of change. Since we moved to Beaufort in December of 2008, I'm going to lump that into 2009 as well. Living in Beaufort has been hard. That's no secret to you all. We still struggle with friendships and where we belong a year later, but I am praying fervently that this year will be different. I mean, even if we still struggle, I am going to try and make a better effort with people and not let it get to me as much when they let me down. (After all, I let people down all the time, I'm sure of it.) The best thing that has come from this loneliness is that God has used it to (once again) turn my heart to Him alone for companionship and belonging. I don't think I'd trade a room full of good friends for that.

By far the biggest change of them all came in the form of a beautiful baby girl last February. I could gush for pages and pages about her, but I'll just say this: That girl has changed my life for the better in so many ways that I never thought possible. Parents are not lying when we say that we never imagined loving someone so much before our children were born. I had no idea that there was this much love in me. And, oh man, God loves us perfectly (e.g. never gets tired of our whining, etc.) as His children? I learn new things through and from Els every hour of every day.

As I sat at the breakfast table this morning, drinking coffee and feeding Els her banana cereal, I thought about this past decade. 10 years ago, I was about to graduate from high school and thought I would marry a guy who is not B. I didn't even know B at the time. So, in the span of a decade, not only has the world changed by way of planes flying into buildings, iphones, Lost, etc., I have met, fallen in love with, married, and had children with a man whose face I had never seen 10 years ago. A lot can happen. I don't even pretend to understand what will happen in the next decade.

I'll leave you with the cheesy, albeit true, text that my (not 7 year old) sister sent me on New Year's Eve: "I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know Who holds tomorrow."

Referral Day

2009-12-15T12:04:00.005-05:00

I still remember the day like it was yesterday. It was early September, my senior year of college. For some reason that I don't remember anymore, both of my grandmothers were at my parents' house, so after class that day, I went over to see them. When I walked in the door of the living room, they were both sitting on the love seat facing me, huge smiles emblazoned on their beautiful faces. At the time, I thought they were just happy to see me. (It's what I get for being a firstborn. I generally and commonly mistakenly think everything's always about me.) "Have you talked to your parents yet?" they asked. My parents were out somewhere at the time. I hadn't. "Why," I asked, confused. "No reason," was the reply. We chatted for a while, about what I can't remember, but the huge smiles and side glances to each other continued. Soon, Mom and Dad came bursting through the doors. "We have a referral!!!!!" The screams of joy resounded in the room as we all hugged each other.

A referral is when you finally get the word from China that you have been matched with a particular child. At the time, it also meant you would travel in the next couple of months to get said child. Later that day, we received a package with her picture and all of the information about her that was known. We finally knew where she was and a little bit about who she was. Best of all, there were pictures.

Aunt, Uncle, Niece

2009-12-10T15:02:00.004-05:00

Here's Grace, Micah, and Els at Thanksgiving this year. (Note the matching bows.)

Meanwhile

2009-12-10T14:39:00.002-05:00

While we were beginning to pray about adoption in Georgia in late March and early April 2002, on the other side of the world, near Bengbu City in the Anhui province of China, a girl (lady? woman?) became pregnant. Was she excited? Scared? Nervous? Probably all three. The only thing I know with certainty about this woman is that she is most likely very beautiful.

What circumstances drove her to leave her lovely 3-day-old daughter at the steps of the old orphanage in Bengbu City we'll never know. Was she too poor to take care of her? Did she give in to familial pressure about her only child being male? Was this child not her first? The thing I have to imagine is that she loved the baby she carried for 9-10 months very much as evidenced by the fact that she didn't abort her and ultimately left her in a place that she would easily be found. Whatever her reasons, I know that I am eternally grateful to this woman who gave up her child who would become the joy of our family a little less than a year later.

When the baby girl was found on December 30, 2002, the policemen took her to the orphanage and the nannies there named this baby "Fu," which means good luck or happiness because one of them had won some money in a local lottery that day. She was given the same last name as all of the other children there, which was the orphanage director's last name, "Song." Fu grew quickly during the coming months, as she was a good eater and vivacious, always demanding of the nannies' attention. For the first eleven months of her life, she was well loved by the caretakers at her orphanage.

But she was still not home.

The Rest of 2002

2009-12-04T14:19:00.002-05:00

April 6, 2002 was one of those epic days. It was a Saturday, the day after my 20th birthday, and I had met up with the rest of my family to attend the wedding of some friends of ours. After the wedding, we all headed back to our hometown and went to my favorite Italian restaurant for dinner. Over meatball and onion breadsticks, I worked up the courage to tell my parents about the SCC concert and that I had been praying that they would adopt since then. In my heart I knew the answer would be a very patronizing, "Well, that's nice. We'll certainly think about it." And I was right. (Other fun fact about that day, earlier, during the wedding reception, I had been introduced to the friend of a friend. I remember that he had longer hair and a goatee that day. Twenty-seven months and four days later we would attend another wedding reception together-ours!)

Skip to summer time. The whole adoption idea had been put on the back burner of our minds and hearts as we prepared for trips and summer jobs. One of my roommates from the previous year was traveling to Cambodia for the summer to visit her aunt and uncle who were missionaries there. During her stay, she would write emails describing her travels, what she saw and experienced. I always got excited when they came because Cambodia was so far away and exotic. In mid-July, one such email would change the course of our lives forever. My roommate's uncle had taken her to an orphanage and she not only shared the heart-wrenching stories of babies and children there, she shared precious pictures of them. I can remember weeping as I read the email in the reception area of the accounting office where I worked. Quickly, I forwarded the email to my mom. I wasn't there when this happened, but the story goes that my parents both read the email together. When they finished reading, with tears streaming down their own faces, my parents decided that although they could not rescue every child, they could help at least one. I have a very special memory from family vacation that year. We all sat on the back porch of our hotel room in Montana, looking up at the millions of stars (the sky really is bigger there) and praying our hearts out for the little girl who would join our family one day.

Mom and Dad attended a meeting at an adoption agency the next week. A lady who had adopted a little girl from China spoke at the meeting and the deal was sealed, so to speak. We started the paperwork to adopt a baby from there. This is where I get fuzzy. If you want to know the details of paperwork and dossiers and home studies, ask my mom. She is a pro. (She even went so far as to call Zell Miller's office everyday for a period of time for their help with the paperwork.) All I know that there is A LOT of paperwork involved in adoption. We all had to get fingerprinted by INS and have family dinners with the social worker who did our home study.

Then, after many long hours of crossing t's and dotting i's, the paperwork was finished and it went to China. After that, we waited and prayed, prayed and waited, waited and prayed.

The Very Beginning

2009-12-02T10:44:00.003-05:00

Last month was officially National Adoption Month. Last week we celebrated Grace's 6th Gotcha Day. And since I'm nothing if not a day late and a dollar short, I'm writing about all of this today. I've been ruminating on writing about my siblings' adoptions for some time now, so here it begins, here it happens.

And why not start at the beginning? (It is, after all, a very good place to start.)

Before I met B, I dated a guy with the same name for a little while. (My family still refers to him as the "Wrong B.") While not the right man for me, this guy did something of monumental importance in my life. In March of 2002, he took me to see Steven Curtis Chapman at The Fox in Atlanta. We had broken up a while before the concert, but I had always dreamed of seeing SCC, so I went. That night, SCC talked about the first little girl that he and his wife had adopted from China. And then he sang a song about her. There was not a dry eye in the place by the end. The strangest part in this was that I was prompted to start praying that my parents would adopt. What? Did I mention that this was a few weeks before my 20th birthday? My youngest sibling was 14 at the time.

So, for the next couple of weeks, I prayed, albeit half heartedly and with little belief that anything would come of it. I'll go ahead and say here, that I don't believe that I am the reason that my parents ultimately adopted. God used me to birth the idea in them, but more importantly, God used these events in my life to increase my faith. You see, Grace's adoption is the biggest miracle I've ever seen with my own two physical eyes.

I have decided that this story will be a series because there's so much to tell and so many details that I don't want to leave out.

"And like the rain that falls into the sea, in a moment what has been is lost in what will be."
-Steven Curtis Chapman

Blessings in Disguise

2009-11-19T16:25:00.005-05:00

Last night, I asked B if he thought we should get involved in something, to which he replied, "When?" He said that he guessed I could do something during the day, but we just don't have the time at night now that Els goes to bed between 7:30 and 8. I have this need to do, do, do all the time and that is just not my life right now. So often, my self-worth has been based on the hours of a day that I could fill with activities and now my hours are filled with corralling an almost 9-month-old who is crawling and into EVERYTHING. But I still have this need to do activities and, when I'm really honest, it's not necessarily because I want to do them, it's so that people will like me.

2009 has been all about slowing down for me, and now, in November, I'm finally starting to accept that. It's not a coincidence that about half of the things I plan I have to cancel because Els is sick or just went down for a nap (finally!) or is just not feeling it on that particular day. I am learning to be still. Els won't be a baby for much longer and I am blessed to spend my days with her.

Also, as I have mentioned before, I am finally reading the Bible through this year and I don't have the time or words to expound upon how I am being blessed by this. I've been trying to post about this in more detail, but I just can't figure out how to say it just yet. Right now, I'm treasuring the things I'm learning in my heart and trusting that God will give me what to say to you about them when and if the time comes.

And the cold, hard truth is that none of the above would have happened if I had never left home. There I would not have cried the many tears of loneliness. There, I could have filled my days and hours with people and stuff and not been forced to rely on God for sufficiency and companionship. There, I would have built in babysitters and would not have had to learn the joys of doing everything with a baby in tow.

Believe me, I don't have it all figured otr, but I think I know why God took us away from our beloved home. It was so that we ca know and love each other better. But most of all, it is so that we could know Him better.

My Favorites

2009-11-16T14:34:00.002-05:00

Mom's Teriyaki

2009-11-06T11:54:00.004-05:00

One of the absolute temporal joys of my life is cooking. If you've seen me in the kitchen, chances are you've seen a very happy lady. I love to mix, chop, measure, and whisk. I cook all of the time, for special occasions or just every day.

Truth be told, it was bound to happen. I come from a long line of amazing cooks on both sides. Most of my favorite meals and recipes are those that have been handed down. Although, I cannot perfect my mother's lasagna, try as I might. No one can. We could follow the recipe word for word, and it is just not going to be as good as it would be made by her hands. One thing that I am working on perfecting is her teriyaki. You see, my mother is not only a lasagna master, she is also a marinade master. And there is no concoction with which you can marinate meat that matches Mom's teriyaki. An absolute classic meal at our house is grilled chicken teriyaki. My current favorite is grilled boneless, skinless chicken thighs that have soaked in the teriyaki for about 4 to 6 hours.

So, what is this marvelous recipe, you might wonder? Well, I could say that it's a closely held family secret, but that would be a lie. We're all open books, and since I'm sure Mom would tell you if you asked, here it is:

1/2 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup oil (don't use olive oil if you're grilling-it has a low smoke point)
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 tablespoon brown sugar

Mix, marinate, enjoy!

My 2 cents

2009-11-05T22:34:00.002-05:00

Not that you cared, but I thought I'd weigh in on a current mommy craze that's blowing up a lot of blogs I read. So, Stella McCartney has created a line of kids clothes for the Gap. Sure they're super cute and chic. Even if it's chic in the utilitarian, muted color way.

BUT

Am I the only one who's noticed that they're trying to sell a onepiece outfit for $48? I spent that on an entire 12 month wardrobe for Els.

Just sayin'.

Munchkin Baby

2009-11-02T09:38:00.003-05:00

The very first time that Els' Aunt Grace saw her wearing those green and white striped leggings, she insisted the Els be a Wizard of Oz Munchkin baby for Halloween. I found directions online to make the tutu and the flower headband at a local festival. Voila! Els the munchkin baby!

Jeremiah 29:11

2009-10-23T11:04:00.002-04:00

Bear with me here, I'm no theologian, but my world is being rocked by this this week. Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" If you've run in Christian circles for any time at all or ever attended a church graduation service, you've probably heard this verse. It's inspiring, hopeful, very meaningful to know that the Lord God who created the universe has plans for us and that they're hopeful.

However, until this week, I never knew the context of this verse. You see, I am trying to read through the Bible this year. It's a lofty goal on one hand, but on the other, considering the fact that I've been a Christian for years and never read it through once, it's a also a goal that's loooooonnnnnggg overdue. (I mean, I read every word of the Harry Potter series.) Anyways, so right now, the plan I'm following has me in Jeremiah, and it's tough. Jeremiah was basically told to write letters to the king of Israel and Judah and tell them that the Babylonians were coming to take Jerusalem and all the people in it captive. When you get to chapter 29 the Lord (through Jeremiah) is telling the king and officials that if they basically surrender and go to Babylon, build houses, plant fields, they'll be fine. They were going to have to leave home indefinitely. He's saying that he knows the plans he has for them, but that they are not the plans that the people would have made for themselves. And the people weren't too happy about this, as evidenced in the chapters that follow in which the king burns Jeremiah's letter and throws him in jail. This is because the hopeful future God's talking about in verse 11 is a future in which they set up their lives in a foreign land and live for generations.

This truth is speaking volumes to me because, as you've gathered by now, my life is NOTHING like I thought that it would be. But, I would have it no other way. God knows his plans for me, and while hopeful, they're nothing like I would have imagined. We've left home indefinitely, and are setting up shop in a "foreign" (to us) land. And we're probably going to move again and again and again. But God knows his plans for us. Even if they're not what we would have chosen.

"I may not know the way I go, but Oh, I know my Guide."